How to fuck up a job interview

1. Before the interview has commenced, insist that while the chairs provided might be suitable for the interviewers, you yourself need something 'high, plush, and resembling a throne'.

2. Stand by with a vaguely bored expression on your face while the Head of the Publications Div. drags in a throne-like chair from another room down the hall.

3. Tell the Head of the HR Dept. not to 'be stingy with the water', and indeed to 'keep it coming' because you've 'got your parch on'.

4. Inform the interviewers that for simplicity's sake, it would be best if everybody referred to the ostensible recipient of the role as 'Seth'.

5. When asked for the second time to explain your capabilities with Excel, raise your eyebrows and ask the Head of the Publications Div. whether she would like the same comprehensive answer you gave last time, or an entirely new comprehensive answer.

6. Laugh when she is embarrassed at having asked the same question twice.

7. Berate the Head of the HR Dept. for not keeping up with the Shit Cricket Against Nuffies website and for not following the fortunes of Shit Cricket Against Nuffies during the regular season.

8. Get caught with your feet up on the table reading 'Rumpole of the Bailey' after you've been left alone for 10 minutes to complete a proof-reading test.

9. Inform the interviewers that proof-reading tests are 'sh*t boring' and that you don't like 'childish tasks' and far prefer to 'get down with Rumpole'.

10. Inform the Head of the Publications Div. that she 'hasn't the faintest clue' about where you 'are coming from, man', and that it might help if she'd 'learn to listen for longer than 2 seconds'.

11. Inform the Head of the Publications Div. that if she wishes to 'continue asking leading questions', she will end up with a conception of yourself 'more obscured' than her 'own face is by the layers of make-up' she has 'slapped on'.

12. Ask for a payrise before you even receive the position.

13. When accused of arrogance and presumptuousness for asking for a payrise, inform the Head of the Publications Div. that it is in no way arrogant or presumptuous to ask for a payrise when you're 'as fucking good at the job' as you will be.