среда, июля 25, 2007

The Imp of the Perverse vs. the French

I asked the Frogs who run the ground floor cafe what kind of muffins they had.

'Zey are choc-berry,' one of em said, and I gave the nod for him to put one in a paper bag for me.

The other one scarfed a mouthful while cookin up me coffee, and said: 'Zey are not choc-berry. Zere iz no berry. Zey are zhust choc.'

'Just CHOC!' I roared. 'No berry! What a FUCKING GYP!'

And they both stopped what they were doing and stood there staring at me.

'Half price! Half price!' I bellowed, and whirled around and pointed at the poor old mum waiting behind me. 'You heard em! They said choc-berry, and now there's no BERRY! I'm not paying for berry when there ain't none! Half price!'

The coffee-cooker kept staring at me blankly, but the muffin-readier snatched up a muffin from the bottom of the pile.

'ZIS one has a berry!' he announced triumphantly, so I was obliged to give it close inspection.

There was indeed a berry perched on top.

'So it does,' I admitted. 'I'll take it. Half price?'

'Non,' he replied.

The Bushman's Farewell to Queensland (anon)

Queensland thou art a land of pest!
From flies and fleas one never rests
Even now mosquitoes round me revel
In fact, they are the very devil

Sandflies and hornets just as bad,
They nearly drive a fellow mad
The scorpion and the centipede
With stinging ants of every breed

Fever and ague with the shakes
Triantelope and poisonous snakes
Goannas, lizards and cockatoos
Bushrangers, lags and jackaroos

Bandicoots and swarms of rats
Bull dog ants and swarms of cats
Stunted timber, thirsty plains
Parched up deserts, scanty rains

There's rivers here you sail ships on
There's nigger women without skirts on
There's humpies, huts and wooden houses
There's nigger men who don't wear trousers

There's Barcoo rot and sandy blight
There's dingoes howling half the night
There's curlews' wails and croaking frogs
There's savage blacks and native dogs

There's centralists, flowers and stinging trees
There's poisoned grass and Darling peas
Which drive the horses and cattle mad
And make the sheep just as bad

And then it never rains in reason
There's droughts one year and floods next season
Which wash the squatter's sheep away
And then there is the devil to pay

To stay in Queensland, Oh land of mutton
I would not give a single button
But bid thee now a long farewell
Thou scorching land of sunburnt hell!

понедельник, июля 16, 2007

real advice for an interview

i think buddy just forgot a bit about to behave for real, so i guess i feel a need to remind him for his own sake:
1) be polite and respectful, as all persons are deserving of respect
2) try to the best of your abilities to answer any questions put to you with due respect and politness
3) be polite should your thoat dry up and out
4) should the interview ask you the same question more than once, tactfully tell them so, taking into account that they might be embarrassed, a feeling no one enjoys
5) remember, you need this job, not them, and if you dont need this job what are you doing there - wasting their time, which is not polite nor respectful
6) enjoy yourself, get to know your interviewer, you never know, maybe you can learn something from them, or teach them something, thus leading to your mutual benefit

how far can one fall.....É

среда, июля 04, 2007

How to fuck up a job interview

1. Before the interview has commenced, insist that while the chairs provided might be suitable for the interviewers, you yourself need something 'high, plush, and resembling a throne'.

2. Stand by with a vaguely bored expression on your face while the Head of the Publications Div. drags in a throne-like chair from another room down the hall.

3. Tell the Head of the HR Dept. not to 'be stingy with the water', and indeed to 'keep it coming' because you've 'got your parch on'.

4. Inform the interviewers that for simplicity's sake, it would be best if everybody referred to the ostensible recipient of the role as 'Seth'.

5. When asked for the second time to explain your capabilities with Excel, raise your eyebrows and ask the Head of the Publications Div. whether she would like the same comprehensive answer you gave last time, or an entirely new comprehensive answer.

6. Laugh when she is embarrassed at having asked the same question twice.

7. Berate the Head of the HR Dept. for not keeping up with the Shit Cricket Against Nuffies website and for not following the fortunes of Shit Cricket Against Nuffies during the regular season.

8. Get caught with your feet up on the table reading 'Rumpole of the Bailey' after you've been left alone for 10 minutes to complete a proof-reading test.

9. Inform the interviewers that proof-reading tests are 'sh*t boring' and that you don't like 'childish tasks' and far prefer to 'get down with Rumpole'.

10. Inform the Head of the Publications Div. that she 'hasn't the faintest clue' about where you 'are coming from, man', and that it might help if she'd 'learn to listen for longer than 2 seconds'.

11. Inform the Head of the Publications Div. that if she wishes to 'continue asking leading questions', she will end up with a conception of yourself 'more obscured' than her 'own face is by the layers of make-up' she has 'slapped on'.

12. Ask for a payrise before you even receive the position.

13. When accused of arrogance and presumptuousness for asking for a payrise, inform the Head of the Publications Div. that it is in no way arrogant or presumptuous to ask for a payrise when you're 'as fucking good at the job' as you will be.

понедельник, июля 02, 2007


Mariette and Erna

I sat watching translucent pink liquid seep into the cracks between cobblestones. The half brick lay several metres away, but I couldn't see Mariette. I rubbed a hand over my head. I felt like death.


Earlier, we had struggled briefly in the alleyway, I pushing her slowly into a gaggle of bins, she rolling over the top of them, the rubbish spilling across the cobblestones, a fishy stink. Mariette picked up the half brick as she stood up, and I advanced.

She said: 'Not anymore'.


Earlier, she had accosted me as I came out of work, on the way home. I was surprised to see her. She had always been the diffident type.

I said: 'What do you want?'

Her face was nearly expressionless - perhaps a trace of fear.

'I want to speak with you,' she said. 'I want to tell you what I'm going to do. I want to see what you think about it.'

In truth, I was fearful myself, and very tired - I wanted all this to end, to be forgotten.

So I followed her across the tram tracks and into the alleyway, where a light misty rain was filtering between the buildings and falling upon black cobblestones. Mariette told me what she was going to do, and I backhanded her. She fought back, and we struggled briefly in the alleyway, at the back of the Golden Dragon Restaurant, on slippery cobblestones, and I pushed her slowly into a gaggle of bins.


Earlier, we had met for coffee in Block Place, amongst the lunchtime throng. I sat at a table on the cobblestones, watching her as she threaded her way between the crowd towards me. She looked nervous. I half-rose to greet her; she smiled briefly and kissed me on the cheek.

'Hello,' she said. 'How are you?'

I felt a little nauseous, to tell the truth, but we ordered coffee and she told me what she knew about Erna. She said it was everything she knew, but how could I be sure?

'What are you going to do?' I asked.

'I don't know,' she replied. 'What do you think?'

I rubbed a hand over my head. I felt like death. We looked at each other. I told her what I thought she should do, but she disagreed and we argued.

'I don't want to end this in anger,' she said, 'but I will if you force it.'

'Leave me alone,' I replied. 'If you try to hold me down, I will fight back. I don't want to see you again. I better not hear about this again.'

And I left her sitting there, drinking coffee amongst the lunchtime throng.


Earlier, I had held her down while she fought back. She fought back more and more these days - not an aggressive, violent backlash (she was too diffident for that) but an increasing stubbornness, a refusal to submit - and not just while I fucked her: it was an obstinacy of character.

'One day I'll kill myself,' she sometimes said, 'and then you'll be sorry.'

I jeered at her when she said this.

But this time, after I had finished fucking her and she had finished fighting back, she said: 'One day I'll tell Mariette, and then you'll be sorry.'

I stared at her when she said this.

'You wouldn't dare,' I said.

She stared belligerently back at me, so I backhanded her and put my finger in her face.

'You wouldn't dare,' I repeated. 'If you force this, it will end in anger.'

'Will you hold Mariette down?' she asked. 'She will fight back.'

I rubbed a hand over my head. I felt like death.

воскресенье, июля 01, 2007

` il est facile, 'il dit, s'emparant de mon bras gauche. Quelqu'un d'autre s'empare de l'autre bras. le ` le bourdon médical fait l'opération. Nous stabilisons.'

Je recherche. La carcasse argentée brillante sur le compteur s'élève dans l'air, et se propulse lentement à travers la salle vers moi.

bourdon médical de `? J'ai pensé que c'était une machine de café!'

Corbett semble d'excuse.

` c'est également une machine de café.'

` I ne le veulent plus. Je ne m'inquiète pas de la rétine. Laissez-moi vers le haut!'

J'essaye de me lever, mais ils me maintiennent.

le ` obtiennent outre de moi ! Je dois me concentrer ! Ils seront ici n'importe quelle seconde!'

Je lutte contre eux. Il y a un trop grand nombre !

le ` ne sont pas stupide, Corbett!'

Le segment fonctionne furieusement. L'inspiration me frappe.

` c'est la machine de café ! Je l'obtiens maintenant ! Vous pouvez me laisser vers le haut ! Je l'obtiens ! La machine de café est mon adversaire!'

J'entends la voix de Karri parlant tranquillement dans le fond.

la personnalité basse de `... a été totalement consommée par personnalité artificielle. Période d'inconnu de consommation... '

le ` I dit m'a laissé vers le haut, vous des bâtards!'

Le seau, il est dans le seau ! Qu'est-il ? ! ?

le `... après la consolidation, personnalité artificielle a replié une deuxième personnalité artificielle. Période d'inconnu de réplique. Les phénomènes unsighted précédemment... '

Je sens un champ d'énergie à mes jambes, et lutte pour rechercher, mais quelqu'un qui tient ma tête contre le dessus de table.

Trop fort dans ma tête le segment exige : le seau, le seau, le seau ! Qu'est-ce que c'est ? Dites-moi ! Quel est le seau??

`I ne savent pas!' Je crie.

la rangée de sonde de `... prouve que la personnalité repliée essaye de consommer son ancêtre... '

La masse grossière des manches de machine de café aériens, et moi jugent que c'est champ de force paralysant mes membres.

réponse de grenouille et de seau de `... : négatif. Le sujet a mis en évidence un besoin de passer un essai, mais n'a pas isolé la nature et les conditions du déclenchement mnémonique... '

`No, non, non, 'je chuchote à plusieurs reprises encore. le No. de `, non, aucun...

'ami "cas de"True de `... d'essai de contrôle de qualité s'est terminé... '